When the convictions get strong, sometimes talking to myself is the best option.
Hey y'all, if I'm being honest, I've been letting fear hold me back A LOT from sharing blog posts on here. I've typed four different entries that I haven't published out of fear of the unknown, honestly. The posts I wrote are so vulnerable, so real and so ME! I've never really done that before omg just the thought freaks me out.
But be patient with me, this is a journey and y'all will get them sooner or later lmao. Honestly, I am trying and the post you're reading now is a testament to that.
I've been spending a lot of time in my head and want to share my thoughts with y'all. Feel free to check me if I'm tripping (respectfully) or let me know if you've felt the same about anything I'm about to share. I'm going to be talking about my experiences during/after a spiritual awakening because no one prepared me for the madness that has become my own mind! This shit is crazy y'all, I've legitimately diagnosed myself with every mental illness in the book (thanks to TikTok). On the same hand, I've self proclaimed eons of light work and spiritual understanding that I can't just ignore. I know there are blockages preventing me from operating in my authentic self, however. I can't seem to shake some of the patriarchal, westernized concepts that held pre-awakened Amiyah in a chokehold for so long.
Those same ideologies are what kept pre-awakened Amiyah safe and sound in her bubble of delusion and self-pity. Those ideologies tucked pre-awakened Amiyah in and sang her a lullaby every night.
Bare with me because I'm typing this in real time, so what you're about to read is literally my brain's unfiltered thoughts as they come...
Every day, I become a different version of myself. To protect the ego, my subconscious convinces me that each "new me" is an "improved me." So it skids by on the acceptance that "ascension" is acceptance. Acceptance into some "higher realm" or new stage of the spiritual journey.
It's kinda like looking at old pictures or videos of yourself in high school and wishing you could do things differently or picking up secondhand embarrassment after learning all the lessons you know now. I've been having this feeling more often than not, partially thanks to my Snapchat memories...but nonetheless, the feelings are there.
I look back on the girl I was in college, so innocent and unsuspecting. Although now, I reflect on that girl with a particular sadness for the oblivion she carried, I envy the sureness she had within herself and want that for my life now. There was a certain shimmer in my eyes that I can't see anymore and I believe it's because I've been tricked by the illusion of spirituality as an answer.
Just like Jesus Christ is to Christians, perhaps Spirituality has been my savior from the unknown? Perhaps it's saving me from the fears, doubts and insecurities I had in the church and God, that couldn't absolve the confusion in my Earthly life. Spirituality has helped answer so many questions about the world around me, while simultaneously raising double the amount of questions about the spirit within me.
I'm learning through this form of expression (writing), that spirituality isn't an answer to anything, rather a way of life that I have alllll my life to adhere to.
Before I consciously joined this journey, I could tell you how I was, who I'd been and where I was going all in under 60 seconds. I had the perfect elevator pitch for myself, riddled with fancy labels and accolades to keep anyone's mind off of the fact that I truly had no idea who I was.
Beneath the persona, fake nails, fake friends and weave, a version of me existed that only I knew.
No one tells you when accepting this calling, that you have to undergo massive identity crisis--at least, no one told me! Now that I have the knowledge of self and the knowledge of understanding, I feel like there is no turning back! I've watched all the conspiracy theories, I've had the alien encounters, I've grown distrust for the entire system, now what???
A lot of times, I desperately crave the normalcy I had when Eye was blind. Being able to happily work a full-time job, take orders from others, stay in school, go to church and not question a single thing sure did have its perks. Now, I question my sanity and wonder if I've completely thrown my life away in a manic fit???
The fact that that's even a question, should give you a good idea of where I'm at!
There's also a part of me that misses the old things about myself such as the long, colorful nails, inches of hair and love for loud rap music. I then begin to question which things are the "real" things I like? I begin to question myself.
Often, I revel in and celebrate the similarities of who I am now with my past selves. When I am remembered of a song, or a particular clothing style that I enjoyed in my youth and still do today, I find myself reassuring myself, with the notion, "see, I haven't really changed that much!"
This reminder serves not to me, but to my subconscious mind as an attempt to remain within the comfy boxes I used to check for everyone around me. I've unearthed a deep desire to be accepted and this affirmation resuscitates the glimpse of hope for that happening in some capacity still, today.
This cycle has kept me stuck in feelings of confusion and self-doubt. It's blocked me from being able to accept and embrace myself because of these limitations. With the understanding that we are all quite literally gods and goddesses, sometimes it feels impossible for me to step into that greater calling. I frequently tell myself certain things aren't for me only because I never imagined myself doing them.
Pre-awakened Amiyah had a 10-year plan with the resume to back it. That version of me imagined every possible case scenario for my life, and veering off the path of religion, becoming a naturalist and avid seeker of knowledge never crossed my mind.
That version of myself I'd created for survival is my favorite. She knows how to get by and although suffers a little anxiety, that girl can work her way through an interview room and knows how to play the White man's game.
Every day, I notice more discontentment with the person I am now. Breaking the molds of everything I ever knew has not been the easiest task. The person I'm becoming is not socially acceptable and I've always been socially acceptable!
This chick is constantly criticizing herself and is always feeling like a failure.
I don't think I always had these feelings, though. Although I've been quite humble all my life, I always knew I was destined for greatness. The inner light that shined through me is what truly kept me going. I never felt like I'd strayed too far from the path or gotten lost in the crowd. No matter the rejections, denials or declines, I kept going.
I've done everything I know how to reignite that light, to rediscover that path with the knew knowledge I've gained during awakening. I'm afraid that's the problem, however. I continuously do everything I know how rather trying new approaches to life.
But need I remind you, new approaches to life weren't in the 10-year plan, either.
Manifestation is tricky. On one hand, I know I have the power to bring anything I want into reality but on the other, if I can't (or haven't) seen those dreams for myself, it's hard to even believe them.
I feel so sensitive now. I am constantly hard on myself, so much so that I've masked the incessant inner discourse within myself with the term, "shadow work." My internal dialogue is a steady therapy session with myself on one side of the couch and myself on the other side as well.
Once I muster the spiritual strength to go for something and am met with a slight physical inconvienene, I am almost completed deterred. This God complex, is what they don't tell you about in the Facebook spiritual groups or on YouTube tarot readings.
This chapter of my life has involved a lot of self evaluation and one thing I've come to realize is this: clinging onto the hope or expectation of change is detrimental--even if it's in the name to "growth," or "healing" of "the spiritual journey." The truth of the matter is, when you compare yourself to anyone or anything that is not involved in the immediate present, you are robbing yourself of the gratitude and mindfulness needed to attract blessings in your current life.
I've robbed myself long enough and am committing to practicing mindfulness, every day. Even on the hard days, I am trying to be grateful.
"Although I may question the path sometimes, I never question the journey."
Nothing happens on accident. Although I may question the path sometimes, I never question the journey. If that didn't make sense, you should read it one more time.
No longer, am I considering the healing journey a race to completion or relating more knowledge in spirit with "asencison." For me, these concepts have been harmful to my personal growth and trapped me vibrating at a frequency of comparison. And we all know:
Comparison is the thief of joy.
This reins true whether you're comparing yourself to others, your future or even worse, your past.
You cannot fully see the fruits of your labor when focusing on the ones that have molded. It's time to throw the old harvest away and welcome in the fresh grows. It's time to merge the versions of yourself you created out of love, survival and trust. It is only then, can you step into being your true self, your full self.
Thank y'all for listening, I hope even a shimmer of this post inspires or piques your desires. Until we chat again.